Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Guilty Pleasures (shamelessly admitted).

I was in the doctor's office today & was resigned to reading such "domestic" publications as "Ladies Home Journal" & "Redbook", & if I really wanted to know how to make sex go faster & make the man finish quicker (I'm sorry, what? This is a problem?)... well, let's just say that now I am more educated on the subject that I ever cared to be. Suffice to say, in a polling of men actually willing to speak with "LHJ" about this, one cited Astroglide as a big help in speeding things along. Shocker. They're really churning out some quality journalism for the modern woman -- from quiche recipes to windowsill herb gardens to personal lubricants...

Okay, back to the subject, which coincidentally, has nothing to do with sex. While reading one of the above-mentioned magazines (I think it was the Christmas '04 issue -- you know, real current), I came across the book reviews, & one in particular piqued my interest:
"The Encyclopedia Of Guilty Pleasures: 1,001 Thing You Hate To Love", which listed things like the Bee Gees, Rice-a-Roni (I challenge anyone to make a meaner Broccoli Au Gratin rice dish than the San Francisco treat!), Hee-Haw, Vanilla Ice, etc... classics! (also recommended summer reading from Prof. Kelly is "Be Safe!: Simple Strategies For Death-Free Living"... I have not read it, but it's hard to beat the term "death-free" -- quite clever indeed...)

So, I thought why not humiliate myself here online in front of all of you nice folks & list some of my very own "guilty pleasures"? I have no shame, and it cures my boredom for the time being. Try it -- it's quite a revealing little activity & really does a number for the self-respect... :)

My Very Incomplete List o' Guilty pLeAsUrEs: [including, but not limited to, and in no particular order] "Saved By the Bell" reruns, celebrity gossip rags (US Weekly, Star, InTouch, et. al.), proofreading, Oompa-Loompas, those damn Olsen twins (post-"Full House"), "Blind Date", Air Supply, Boone's Strawberry Hill & Andre' champagne, Trivial Pursuit, National Lampoon's Vacation movie series (yes, even "Vegas Vacation"), Waffle House, IHOP's chocolate chip pancakes, news & comedy on XM Radio, nature documentaries, Will Ferrell movies, Fox News, "Brat Pack" movies, unlimited salad & breadsticks @ the Olive Garden, watching "A Christmas Story" at least twice during its 24 hrs. of continuous play each year (TBS, you rock), "The Golden Girls", Archie Bunker & "All in the Family", the George Foreman Grill, Lucky Dogs (a New Orleans must -- disgustingly delicious!), sunflower seeds, my family's annual Tacky Christmas Light Hunt, Literati, the HBO show "Autopsy", mustard, Ann Coulter (you can't deny the bitch knows her shit), Tom Arnold, "Gone With the Wind", "Way Sour" Blow Pops, those dastardly British nookie-happy bad boys Hugh Grant & Jude Law, the same pair of Birkenstocks I've had since 1994, shampoo & conditioner-in-one, Ah-nuld as Goverantor of Ca-li-for-ni-a, Courtney Love (give her some credit -- she gives not a shit what anyone thinks), Sebastian Bach from Skid Row (preferably about 15 years ago), "Fraggle Rock", 80's hair bands, and Maxim, FHM & Stuff magazines (Look, I can't help it if men's magazines are much, MUCH funnier than the shit in women's mags -- like instructions for how to apply the correct color of eye make-up to best match your eyebrow arch so you can be pretty for your skanky striptease routine for your man as per Marie Claire's or Elle's instructions -- it's great exercise, girls! -- using nothing but an ice cube & a piece of twine as props, after just removing a fresh batch of sugar cookies from the oven (from that brand-new recipe listed in the magazine, of course) so you can keep up the facade that you actually eat yummy food when you really starve yourself or stick to Atkins/South Beach/the Zone or some other fad diet craze, but also b/c you plan to serve said cookies at the fabulously killer baby shower/gala that you're throwing for your "BFF" & that you've been meticulously planning for months after getting "Party Planning Tips" from Cosmo or one of the others, complete with a diaper cake & rubber nipples as party favors... While a men's magazine would have a joke about a rabbi, a priest, & a monk on one page and step-by-step instructions for making the most of your next keg stand on the next. Why, oh why must the boys get all the good stuff?)...


Blogger Kimpossible said...

ROFLMAO at the last part (the periwinkle italics section about Men's mags).

You should send that part into Maxim. i'm into writing letters adn being saucy these days.

And p.s. I love those 80s hair bands too ... you do mean "band" like "musical group" right? Like the ones who sing those huge ballads about flying me over yesterday and whatnot? Hope so.

Love it.

6:40 AM  

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