Friday, September 30, 2005

I can post 2x in 1 day, dammit. It's MY blog.

Easy on that nipple there, little man. I mean, that makes MY nipples hurt just looking at him sucking & giving it a good ol' tug. Too much information? Yeah, well... Of course, leave it to me to point this out, but I couldn't help noticing that the winkie on this baby mandrill is as bright RED as the momma's nose! It looks like a tube of lipstick down there, for crying out loud! Good gracious...

But anyway, in other animal-related news, please see the photo to the right of showing uncanny comparisons of pseudo-celeb Jocelyn Wildenstein (who I think only has any notoriety because she looks so, ummm, odd) and cats. You should be able to click on it if you want to make it larger. And from the looks of her, that's a very big "if"... I've seen a documentary or some kind of show on this woman before, and the bitch really does look like some kind of freaky cat lady. Not good. Not good at all. And surely expensive as hell...

I have to include the one smiling picture I was able to capture of Thomas (my cousin's little boy) this morning -- although the little shit was all kinds of fussy (which is relative since he's really good). He only provided this smile once he was given a bottle, something which his mother limits to only one per day at bedtime. But this week, he's been staying with Mimi & Mud (his name for my grandmother) and let's just say he blew through at least a gallon of milk in less than 2 days flat. And we don't own any gallon or half gallon-sized bottles. Oh, won't his mother be happy when she retrieves him and we've done our damage that she's worked 2-1/2 years to stifle!!!???

Wikipedia Therapy

My name is Kelly, and I am a Wikipedia addict. One page leads to another and to another and to another -- a neverending string of links to useless knowledge!!! Beautiful!!! Among some of my more recent finds are listed below (don't ask WHY or HOW I found these -- my train of thought is totally random, complex, unexplainable, and somewhat disturbing):
  • Dogging: Dogging is a British eupemism for having sex in a semi-public place (typically a secluded car park) or watching others doing so. Okay, I went to a park in Munich, Germany one time, and there was this field of naked people laying around in the sun, which I thought was a bit of an odd activity (I was not a participant), but maybe not so much as making a hobby of watching others have sex in parks and cars...
  • Meth Mouth: an informal name for the tooth decay and poor oral health seen in many cases of methamphetamine abuse. The photo here will make you want to become a tweaker yourself, or at least plant a big, wet, sloppy, open-mouthed kiss on one...
  • Obesity: Obesity is a condition in which the natural energy reserve of humans or other mammals, which is stored in fat tissue, is expanded far beyond usual levels to the point where it impairs health. Okay, I'll be honest -- the only reason I included this one is because I like the photo of the obese rat at the top of the page. I admit it. But even better, scroll on down the Wikipedia page and get a load (no pun intended) of the pic of the fat guy, under which the caption reads: "An obese man in sunglasses." Uh, no shit. Kinda stating the obvious, don't ya think? He apparently needs to find a "fat admirer" or a "chubby chaser", the latter being the homosexual version of the former. (I kid you not, people, these ARE real terms)
  • Wookiee: a member of a fictional race of hairy bipeds in the Star Wars universe. The most famous Wookiee is Chewbacca, a companion to Han Solo. With a mug shot, no less. And see? I learned something -- I never knew it had 2 e's in the spelling. Then again, I never needed to know, nor do I expect to ever need to know. But if, perchance, someone has a knife to my throat one day and is going to kill me unless I can correctly spell "Wookiee", I will live to see another day. I also now know that female Wookiees have 6 boobs and give birth to live young. Oh, happy day.
  • Gangrene: necrosis and subsequent decay of body tissues caused by infection or thrombosis or lack of blood flow. The pictures here are almost enough to make me change my diet so that I don't become a diabetic like the rest of my family and chance having my pretty little toes (one of which my boyfriend refers to as the "stump" -- don't ask, it's still a raw subject for my delicate ego) turn black and fall off. Almost.
  • Profanity: a word choice or usage which its audience considers to be offensive. (in English, primarily fuck, shit, cunt, nigger, and frequently, bitch, ass/arse and bastard). It might come as a shock to many, but I was NOT a contributing editor to this page, though I easily could have been, dammit. But now, whoever came up with the BurnMeister? Genius, pure fucking genius...

Wednesday, September 28, 2005


Last night I went outside to play with Mattie for a little bit, you know, give the ol' stuffed burger a toss. Mind you, my yard looks like a child's emptied toy chest, with the dog's stuffed animals littering it from fence to fence... Anyway, thankfully this is not one of her more favored toys, as I discovered this poor little stuffed bear being attacked by some very angry (and apparently not very intelligent) ants... I mean, what in the hell are they eating? Dried dog slobber? Poor Mr. Bear...

Matthew MorenziMy cousin came in town last night with her little boys and we had a family dinner... The little one is to the point where he is not just on the sleep-eat-sleep schedule, and he's SO easy to make smile (a big plus for me since I'm no expert @ entertaining babies)... And he also seems to REALLY like the taste of his own hand. Not his fingers, his WHOLE HAND. He's only a little over 3 mos. old, but the child has virtually no hair, as you can see -- makes us giggle... But he scored major points with me by NOT CRYING (except for the time my mom twisted his foot into the clasp of her chunky gold bracelet, at which point I think I would have cried, too). Heck, I think we might even keep him...

Pitiful Self-Realization #1

It's really sad when you seriously consider -- albeit for a brief moment -- intentionally starting back the habit of smoking for the sole reason that it is easier to lose weight and/or stay thin when you smoke cigarettes. Tsk, tsk...

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Things You Don't See Every Day...

From the "Tales of Daily Life at a Car Dealership" vault: An elderly (70+ yrs. old) man in a late-model Buick Century with a Confederate flag license plate and spinner wheels. "One of these things is not like the other one......."

Monday, September 26, 2005

Football, football, & yet more football.

Molly & Kelly -- State/Georgia game -- Sept. 24, 2005Saturday afternoon, I went to the Mississippi State-Georgia game in Starkville and watched State get their asses handed to them on a platter (actually, I guess it wasn't all that bad of a beating, given the fact that Georgia was ranked #7). It was humid, windy, WET, and yet still fun (the bourbon & Cokes no doubt helped with that!)... At left is a picture of Molly & me, after she met up with us just before the game -- note the glossy, half-drunk eyes on my part -- niiiiiiice.... Molly had to remind me to stand up straight for the photo op, not lean my head in or squat down, which I have a bad tendency to do for pictures. Maybe because a good many of my friends are SHORT!!!?? She gets sick of every picture looking my head is growing out of her, I guess. Imagine that. And obviously, we look a little "tousled" due to the WIND and HUMIDITY, so give us a break, ok?

Of course, when they announced the scores of other games over the loudspeaker, cheers abounded as the news of Ole Miss' loss to Wyoming came across. Oh, and I had a lot of fun watching a big ol' drunk guy making a total ass out of himself -- that's always special. But even sweeter for me was the beating the New York Giants took last night at the hands of the San Diego Chargers. (Let me just say here, LaDainian Tomlinson is bad-ass...) Why, you might ask, would I not support a team that has a Mississippi boy, Eli Manning, as its quarterback and star? Because of the way he acted during the NFL Draft last year -- a grown man getting on television WITH HIS DAD to plead his case for not wanting to go to the Chargers. Taken from "Fans brought signs such as 'Hey Eli, Nobody Likes You,' 'Drew's Your Daddy,' and 'Daddy's Little Girl,' a shot at Manning and his father, Archie." I just know I was embarrassed (although I don't know why, I didn't go to Ole Miss -- I almost did, but narrowly escaped -- hee, hee!). Given, I understood his reasoning, but I disagreed with his handling of it. Therefore, I wanted the Chargers to whip the ever-living shit out of the Giants. And they did. Ahhh, the sweet smell of defeat... Oh, happy day...

Friday, September 23, 2005

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned...

Good gracious. PRAY, people...
It's Friday and we are at work today here in Central Mississippi, but really we are all busy being amateur meteorologists on "storm watch" -- the phones are quiet, the news is on everywhere you turn, and there is an apprehensive feeling in the air. It doesn't matter that we are only expecting to get some much-needed rain here from Rita, because we ALL have family and friends in Texas and Louisiana, and since Katrina's wrath, things are not taken lightly anymore. People and cities I love are in the paths of possible destruction, and all I can do is sit here and read the news and PRAY. It's a helpless feeling of impending doom. I swear, you could cut the anxiety with a knife.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

'Rita on the Rocks...

I know Hurricane Rita blew over Key West and left it relatively unscathed, but I still don't think I would have taunted her quite like this, right on the heels of Katrina:

Anyway... On a bit of what I consider to be a silly note regarding these hurricanes, I give you a story taken from Fox News' "Out There" section regarding one weatherman's hypethesis that these storms are man-made. (My favorite parts have been highlighted in red) So, without further adieu:

Global warming? Act of God? Nope, says one Idaho weatherman -- Hurricane Katrina was part of a man-made plot against America.

Scott Stevens, a meteorologist who for nine years has been forecasting the weather on KPVI-TV in Pocatello, says the Yakuza -- the Japanese mafia -- is using a Russian-made electromagnetic generator to launch terrific storms against the U.S. mainland.

The devastation of New Orleans was in revenge for the U.S. atomic bombing of Hiroshima, Stevens explains on his Web site. He says it will soon be used again against another major American city.

"A battle in the skies is waged daily. Some battles are won and others lost. We know not which," Stevens writes on the front page of his site. "For years this massive global project has been under way, but only now is it making it to the forefront of the consciousness of those with curious minds."

Rumors have long circulated of a secret Soviet weather weapon, but Stevens told the Idaho Falls Post Register he became convinced it existed after noticing strange patterns in a Montana cold front in 2004.

"I just got sick to my stomach because these clouds were unnatural and that meant they had [the machine] on all the time," Stevens told the newspaper. "I was left trying to forecast the intent fo some organization, rather than the weather of this planet."

Nor is it a coincidence that both Katrina and Ivan -- the huge hurricane that hit Florida a year ago -- are Russian names, Stevens says.

At least one other scientist, however, thinks it's all a bunch of hooey.

"I have been doing hurricane research for the better part of 20 years now, and there was nothing unusual to me about any of the satellite imagery of Katrina," Robert S. Young, an associate professor of geology at Western Carolina University in Cullowhee, N.C., told the newspaper. "It's laughable to think it could have been man-made."

Other hurricane experts explain that the spate of severe North Atlantic storms in recent years is part of the natural 25- to 30-year cycle. There was a wave of damaging hurricanes between 1935 and 1965, then a lull before the number of bad storms increased again around 1995.

The U.S. government has apparently tried to influence hurricanes, but its Project Stormfury, which from 1962 to 1983 sought to weaken cyclones by seeding the storms' eyewalls with silver iodide, was a failure.

Stevens is unperturbed by those who scoff at his findings.

"I fully expect one more 'event' this year to impact the United States," he writes. "My gut feeling is that it will be an earthquake/volcanic even with intensity of at least 7.45 in magnitude resulting in insured losses to exceed $25 billion."

His bosses at KPVI-TV don't mind his views, as long as he keeps them off the air.

"He doesn't talk about it on his weathercast," General Manager Bill Fouch told the newspaper. "He's very knowledgeable about weather, and he's very popular."


Ahhhh, so does that mean the Japanese could also be held responsible for their own typhoons, monsoons, tsunamis, etc.? Those kooky Asians...

Monday, September 19, 2005

Gardening & Fashion Observations...

Contrary to the picture of the plant above, I am not using the top of my filing cabinet at work to grow marijuana... That pitiful little green weed is actually what is left (or, to be more precise, what is growing back) of a "money tree" that once resided at my house and is supposed to bring good financial luck. However, my cat took it upon herself to EAT IT down to a stump, and therefore, I had to rescue it and bring it to work with me in the hopes of sparing it and my bank account from an untimely death at the hands of a fierce kitty. And as it grows back, it looks suprisingly like POT [not that I would know, of course]. Hmmmm... maybe now I know why the cat liked it so much... ;-)

<-- In other news, I did not watch the Emmy's last night, but I did catch a sad glimpse of this tragedy of an outfit at left on GMA this morning. File this one under the "What the Fuck?" category... Supposedly this is "actress" Tess Smith attempting to get garner some attention, but I have my doubts as to the "actress" part of her credentials (pornos, B-movies?) as I cannot find her on, and Lord knows, if you haven't made it to the Internet Movie Database, well, you haven't really arrived. Being half-naked wrapped in shards of Kleenex doesn't count.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Friday... finally. Hmph.

This has seemed like one hell of a long week. Maybe because it's the first FULL week back at work since that whore Katrina hit almost 3 weeks ago, or maybe it's the 5-day headache I've had that hit a climax yesterday when it hurt so bad it caused me to break out into a cold sweat and throw up out my car door on the side of the road, who knows... Doesn't really matter -- because it's finally Friday, dammit!

Let's see, just a few little newsworthy blurbs from this fine week (several of which are sure to grace the pages of my beloved celebrity gossip magazines, no doubt):

  • A San Francisco judge deemed the reciting of the Pledge of Allegiance in schools is "unconstitutional". Oh come the fuck on!? Do we not have better things to worry with? And in San Francisco? Like that's not a melting pot of sin & debauchery! If you're an atheist and don't believe in God, why the hell do you care? I have to agree with Memphis Steve on this one... Enough already. Good Lord... (oh wait, can I say that, or will they arrest me?)
  • Renee Zellweger & Kenny Chesney are splitting up. As if this one wasn't predictable. And she is citing "fraud" as the reason for the requested anulment, which I assume to mean she has now found out some tidbits about his personality since they got married that she doesn't like? Is that code for "Oops! -- I just really fucked up and now I want it to go away"?
  • Britney Spears & Kevin Federline procreated succesfully and popped out a poor little baby boy this week -- London Preston Spears Federline -- proving that "Darwinism" was only a myth. I heard Kev wanted to name it "Vegas" after his favorite party city. Yeah, because that's just what I think of when I think of parenthood and family-life -- SIN city, nights of drinking, partying, gambling, strippers, etc. They really do go hand-in-hand... You can go to their cheesy-ass site,, to send your best wishes to the happy couple. Poor kid.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Completely Unbiased Opinion: Adorable.

Okay, so maybe the "unbiased" part is not true, since I would think these 2 little boys (my nephews, Matthew & Thomas) were adorable even if they had horns growing out of their heads and were covered in pock marks... But I still couldn't resist posting this picture as I love, love, love them to death!!! [as for the "adorable" part, well, I'm sure they must take after moi -- hee, hee!]

A Lovely Point to Ponder...

97% of all U.S. paper money contains traces of COCAINE and about 40% of bills contain traces of human FECAL MATTER. So spend, spend, spend, fellow Americans!!!!

Monday, September 12, 2005

Like Kimberly's Celine Dion Vegas houseslippers say: "A New Day Has Dawned."

It's a "Brand New Day" -- even if it is a Monday -- and for that reason, I will refrain from (or at least cut down on) any more political bitching as that doth not an interesting blog maketh... What's that you say? Did I really consider this to be an "interesting" blog BEFORE I started the ranting & raving!? Well, up yours then.

Just for that, I have to, Have To, HAVE TO get one more little giggle in about the absurdity of some of our more famous and outspoken U.S. citizens (No, Rev. Jackson, you are getting a most undeserved reprieve on this one)... and that jab comes in the form of a photo taken of one Sean Justin Penn, movie actor/"Hollywood activist"/uber-liberal/professional shit-stirrer, "helping" out in New Orleans (admittedly, he's a fine actor, and it's a noble cause, I must concede, but it's still an ironically funny picture no matter which way you slice it)... So, may I present to you, ladies & gentlemen, Mr. Sean Penn in his sinking rescue boat:

I know, I know... it's terrible to laugh at someone trying to help out, but wouldn't his money be more helpful than his presence? I mean, buy a bigger boat at least for the real rescuers!!! Then again, that might not garner the same publicity, huh? But thanks for the laugh in what has been a pretty down-in-the-dumps couple of weeks here in Mississippi!!! Hee, hee...

Big Decision of the Day: I'm going to get drunk tonight. It's a goal. I will do it. I have just had one of those days -- not a particularly BAD day, but a day that would be much better if capped off by an over-imbibing episode of silly drunkenness. You know why? BECAUSE I CAN. Yes, I recognize how sad that is, but I just don't care at the moment. Now, that begs the question: what kind of drunk do I want to get? Beer drunk? Nah, takes too long, makes me feel like a beached whale, and let's face it, I already pee way too often as it is. Liquor drunk? Well, while it IS indeed quick, it's also when I have the tendency to act like the biggest arsehole, so that is nixed (I know, hard to believe, isn't it?). Absinthe drunk? Good heavens, NO... because I need to actually make it to work tomorrow and the next day!!! Sooooo, that leaves us with the good ol' standby, WINE DRUNK. The twenty-something girl's best friend. Ah yes, wine drunk it is...

I'll update on the headache I give myself [deservedly] at a later date.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Miscellaneous Rambling.

Kelly & Jon -- August 24, 2005I woke up this morning with a headache from hell. I think I would feel much better if someone would just come along, smack the back of my head really hard, and make my eyeballs pop out b/c they hurt like a bitch!!!! However, I can't complain too much b/c it is no doubt the result of a night of drinking and being in a smoky bar last night for Jon's birthday... So at least for this headache, I have something to show for it (other than a beer gut, which I do not have, thank you very much) rather than one of those that strikes for no good reason... I'd say this one is well worth it because I'm a pretty darn happy girl...

Stranded Dogs Awaiting Rescue in New OrleansIn other news, the horrible aftermath of Hurricane Katrina continues... But at least now it looks like some progress is being made. My dad has been down in Long Beach, MS all week working w/ the relief efforts, & he said it's like everyone who comes in for help is in "another world", & I imagine they feel the same way... Life as they knew it was completely turned upside down 12 days ago & will never be the same. We all need to continue to pray & do what we can, w/ our time as well as our money... I know I have been hearing awful stories about the abandoned pets & animals down there (if you haven't noticed, critters are my weakness), so I've made donations to a couple of different animal rescue & relief groups... It literally makes me ill to think about all of the suffering...

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

The Blame Game.

It is sad that I cannot even read the news anymore without getting incensed about something. The aftermath of Hurricane Katrina is a horrible situation, but no one intended for it to happen like it has, and to imply that our President or anyone else would have delayed any relief based on race is absolutely ludicrous. Kanye West made an absolute ASS of himself on NBC's relief telethon, if you ask me. I would be ashamed if I were him, and as an American and someone who has been affected by the storm, I am ashamed OF him. He did nothing to help the situation, but much to add fuel to a fire that was already taking much-needed attention away from the real issues that are needing to be addressed. [What a f**king idiot -- I know he won't be getting any financial gain at my hands as I will now be avoiding him like the damn plague!] It's a terrible shame that we have sunk to a level that we let Hollywood & our own news media become our worst enemy.

Who knows why relief took so long, but dammit, just get on with it now and quit bitching!!! The fact of the matter is, you can never be prepared enough for a catastrophe like this, and our society has turned our government into the proverbial tit with a "feed me, feed me" attitude -- and we seem to have no problem whatsoever biting that very hand that feeds us. I'm all for helping those in need, but at some point, we all need to stand up and take responsibility for taking care of ourselves and each other as well rather than blaming others for not taking care of us.

THIS takes the words right out of my mouth. And for those of you not from the South or unfamiliar with the area, get mad if you wish, but it's the truth. Don't get me wrong, I have all the sympathy in the world for those suffering from this horrific tragedy, but to play the race card and attack everyone else for an uncontrollable natural disaster is just a cop-out. We need to be helping one another at a time like this, not causing more strain and problems!!!

Friday, September 02, 2005

And I didn't even like the movie "Armageddon"...

Ar·ma·ged·don (noun): A decisive or catastrophic conflict.

Hurricane Katrina has been horrible. And we were blessed beyond comparison. No doubt most people have seen the coverage of the horrific "human stew" in New Orleans and the damage on the Gulf Coast, but let me tell you, the damages went ALL the way up into Mississippi. Any of you outside of the damaged areas have probably seen MUCH more coverage than any of us have since we have had limited access to power (mine finally came back on last night, and I literally ran out into my front yard, jumping up & down, waving & thanking the power people as they drove off -- I was a sight to behold, I'm sure)...

I watched WLBT's video via helicopter of the Waveland/Bay St. Louis/Biloxi/Pass Christian area on the Mississippi Gulf Coast (I think the worst one seems to be the "Third Trip" segment), and it literally brought me to tears. You simply cannot begin to imagine the devastation down there -- it is the worst thing I have ever seen. And the stories that are emerging from this are unfathomable. Looters pilfering dead bodies, a woman having a baby on a bridge and having its umbilical cord tied off w/ a shoelace, junkies shooting at and trying to steal drugs from helicopters bringing in medicine for a fix... A man shot his sister in the face over a bag of ice. IN THE FACE, people. OVER A BAG OF FREAKING ICE!!!!!!

New Orleans Warning
I'll elaborate on things more later, but suffice to say that every time I complain about something trivial like the lack of air-conditioning (mind you, it IS August/September in Mississippi, and for those of you who have never felt that, it's not fun), I need to drop to my knees and thank the good Lord that we only got it as bad as we did. God bless the coast -- they need it...

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