Monday, October 31, 2005

Boo. (click here)

From My Daily Horoscope (Aquarius): "You've never been shy, much less afraid to express your feelings in grand, dramatic style..."

Okay, is it me, or is even my horoscope calling me a "drama queen"? Hmmm... maybe there is something to this astrology stuff. Ha!

Happy Halloween... What am I dressing up as tonight? I'm gonna be none other than myself. I thought I did pretty good to be wearing an orange shirt with a black blazer today -- so festive. I drew the line at carrying my orange suede purse as well -- I don't want to look like "The Great Pumpkin"... I don't have kids, so I don't have to do the trick-or-treating thing, and there are no trick-or-treaters where I live, so I guess I'm off the hook altogether. I can concentrate my efforts on getting a nice little wine buzz...

On a different note, I have quickly started doing something that I swore I would never do -- I have become addicted to my morning dose of Good Morning America (despite spending several years making fun of co-workers for talking about Diane [Sawyer] and Charlie [Gibson] like they were old friends), leading into "Live! with Regis and Kelly"... I always said I would never stoop to the suburban housewife level -- especially since I don't stay at home & I'm not a wife -- but it's happening. I started watching GMA after Hurricane Katrina hit & Robin Roberts was going back to her hometown of Pass Christian in my homestate of Mississippi & helping with the relief effort -- HUGE brownie points!!!! I just think she's gone above & beyond the call of duty & I love, love, love her!!!! And I can't help it, but Kelly Ripa is just the most adorable thing ever -- she is the kind of girl I normally hate, but for some reason, I love her... What is happening to me???? Someone, quick, stop me before I start watching Martha Stewart (although I must say, the bitch IS pretty creative)...

Friday, October 28, 2005

Yet Another Sign of the Apocolypse?

10 Classic Albums that were outsold by Hootie & the Blowfish's Cracked Rear View (in certified units, according to the Recording Industry Association of America and reported in Giant magazine) -- tsk, tsk on this sad state of our society:

* Cracked Rear View -- Hootie & the Blowfish (16 million)
  1. Physical Graffiti -- Led Zeppelin (15 million)
  2. Appetite for Destruction -- Guns N' Roses (15 million)
  3. Born in the U.S.A. -- Bruce Springsteen (15 million)
  4. Metallica -- Metallica (14 million)
  5. Purple Rain -- Prince & the Revolution (13 million)
  6. Ten -- Pearl Jam (12 million)
  7. Abbey Road -- The Beatles (12 million)
  8. The Joshua Tree -- U2 (10 million)
  9. 1984 (MCMLXXXIV) -- Van Halen (10 million)
  10. Nevermind -- Nirvana (10 million)

Attack of the Friendly Doe.

My grandmother has a pet deer, Willow... She was discovered as a newborn fawn in the tomato garden last year (this IS Mississippi, remember?) and, for fear of "dogs getting a hold of her", the man who helps my grandmother with her horses scooped her up and brought her home -- and after he touched her, the mother would not come back anyway... Of course, we all know that they just like to have a baby around. She was an adorable little thing, though -- around 6 lbs., and would just lay in your lap nursing a bottle. To this day, she follows my grandmother around like a dog.

Willow & ThomasSince she is a grown doe now, she comes home for her meals of sweet feed, vanilla wafers and cat food (I kid you not -- people ask why her coat is so shiny and my grandmother is like, "It's the cat food"), but she also does what she pleases and goes where she wants -- there is no caging a deer, no matter how tame she is. She is super-friendly, so we bought her a hunter-orange collar and put an ID tag on her. Well, now my grandmother is constantly getting calls from people who are reporting Willow's whereabouts, sometimes from as far as 15-20 miles away. Usually it's just the standard, "Oh, we love having her around and she adores playing with our dogs", but the other day, she got a call of a different sort.

This particular call came from the Lauderdale County Sheriff's Department. The officer was chuckling when he called, and said that someone had reported being kicked by Willow, which I find absolutely hilarious b/c she is literally the tamest, sweetest thing ever -- to the point that it makes us worry about her. I told my grandmother she should have told the officer that she wanted to know what in the hell someone did to our deer to MAKE her kick them!? I couldn't help but laugh myself, because it's so silly & random. How often do you get calls about your deer attacking someone? I just would have loved to have been there.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Ever Feel Like This?

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Hump (or is that Hmph?) Day

You know you have gotten WAAAAAY to addicted to the whole blogging thing once you start feeling withdrawals b/c your favorite bloggers are not updating regularly due to the fact that they -- gasp! -- have other stuff going on in their lives (ahem, Kimp.)!!!! Me? I have nothing to say, yet still here I sit, piddling my time away...

At left you will see a picture of an overly-happy me practically strangling Jon into posing with me. Why was I so happy, you may ask? Oh, let's see, was it the beer, or the lemon drop shots, or the champagne, or a combination of all involved? I'm gonna step out on a limb and say all of the above. Suffice to say, when we pulled up to drinking destination #2, I had hauled out the trusty iPod (Jon was driving, thankfully) and was subjecting him to "Bitches Ain't Shit But Ho's & Tricks" and "Gimme That Nut" -- fine, quality music that he was clearly not enjoying as much as I was. Go figure.

And for now, I will leave you w/ 2 pictures I took last week in Vegas of the Venetian Hotel & Casino (on left) and the Paris Hotel & Casino (on right, with full moon in background)... Why? Just because I liked 'em...

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Words Kelly is Too Accustomed to Hearing...

"I actually thought about you [i.e. me] when I threw my fit this weekend..." --from a co-worker

Home Alone.

Yep, that's me. Home alone all week, left to find entertainment for myself (aside from my ever-present girls, the cat & dog, of course) while my boyfriend is off at some business-related retreat at the Lake Tiak-O'khata Resort. [I always found the use of the word "resort" here a little bit of a stretch, but I also haven't been back in years, so I'm biting my tongue. Sort of.] Now, the part of this that I find ironic is, this is a "Leadership for Lauderdale" (the county we reside in) retreat, but it's being held in ANOTHER Mississippi county. WTF? I told Jon he might suggest a good way for them to help bring business to Lauderdale County would be to USE IT THEMSELVES!!!! You know, set a good example? Good Lord. Bureaucracy, I swear...

On a sad note (sniff, sniff), I have temporarily lost my beloved camera. However, the good news is, I know when and where I last had it, so I know it is SOMEWHERE within a 3 to 5-foot vicinity in my house, but I still have yet to get my grubby paws on it. And so, until I can find it, I'm having to pull photos from my archives until I can get my shit together and locate the sneaky little contraption. For your viewing pleasure (in honor of the fact that I stayed @ the The Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas last week, & because I just love this picture), I am including a gaw-geous photo of the real Venetian skyline. If you ever get the chance to go -- and not that you need me to tell you -- but by all means, GO!!!! Immediately, if not sooner.
BREAKING NEWS: At approximately 6:25 p.m. on Monday night, the much-adored Sony Cybershot camera I was missing so was recovered. [sigh of relief & end of bitching] And yes, it was in the 3-5 foot vicinity that I assumed it was in, and that I had also scoured relentlessly for the better part of an hour last night. Sometimes, I even amaze myself by the way I can hide my own stuff...

Monday, October 24, 2005

Reason #14 Why It's Good Not to Have a Buxom Bosom:

When you're wearing a blazer at work and your bra is driving you crazy, you can remove said bra and everyone is none the wiser... So you see? Non-huge boobs have their moments, too.

Friday, October 21, 2005

"Lucy, I'm Hoooo-oooome..."

Well, I'm home from Vegas and, unfortunately, I'm not a mi$$ionaire. Ho-hum. Seriously, though, we had a blast... good food, good drinks, tons to do (we saw Blue Man Group just before flying out late last night)... And speaking of drinks, the 6 of us pretty much demolished the contents of the airplane liquor cabinet on the way out there. Not that surprising until you consider the fact that we left at 6 a.m. EST, putting us on the ground in Las Vegas no later than 7:45 a.m. PST, quite tipsy... What a great way to start a vacation, am I right?

It's a tough life, but I think we are continuing the drinking binge tonight... Oh, how my liver is going to love, love, love me!!!! Stay tuned -- more incessant rambling to come later...

Monday, October 17, 2005

Viva Las Vegas!!!

The Venetian LobbyI am really excited -- tomorrow we leave bright & early for Las Vegas, under the guise of going to the General Motors Dealer Business Conference @ the Venetian (my favorite hotel, see left & below)... I use the term "under the guise of" because, really, it's just a good excuse to go to Vegas, with a few meetings and receptions and free food & drinks thrown in here & there. Not to mention, we won a trip on a private jet through GM and 6 of us are using that to get out there -- catered food and no 2-drink minimum b.s. like on some shoddy commercial flight -- ha! Crack open the Bloody Mary's, for it's time to get drunk at 7 a.m.!!!! I mean, when is the last time I did that??? College??? High school??? Ever???

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Creepies & Crawlies...

First of all, I am not afraid of many critters, but SPIDERS freak me the fuck out. Even ones that I know are harmless. Even daddy long-legs, for that matter!!! It's the legs, fangs, the fact that they carry a plethora of babies on their backs, all of it...

That being said, night before last, I had this weird dream where I was w/ my family & my boyfriend @ my grandparents' "farm" in Texas where these particular spiders are a dime a dozen, & while my grandmother was up reading a story to everyone (where the hell that came from, I don't know), Jon & I were off to the side just out of earshot. But the part that kept getting to me was that, behind me, a banana spider kept crawling up the wall/fence. No matter how much I tried to flick it off or get away from it, it kept coming back! Once I finally got rid of that one, another one popped up around my feet -- I even was able to just about crush it, but it's nasty little body was still flopping around. Then, I sat down & was unbothered for a little while, only to realize that I had sat on a spider & it was crushed & stuck to the back of my leg -- it literally gives me the chills just to think about it!!!

Now comes the weird part... I woke up the next morning & went to move a fern that is on my front porch (I know -- it shocks me, too, that I can keep a plant alive -- this poor fern has proven itself to be a survivor for it certainly isn't due to anything I did!). I reached for the handle of the pot w/out really looking, & my hand stabbed through a thick spider web (something that brings out total panic in me before I even see if it has a resident spider in it or not), so I drew my hand back quickly. And lo & behold, what is scuttling on what's left of the web between the fern & front door but a big-ass banana spider!!!! Okay, & the odds of this are? In Texas, it would not be as strange as it is in Mississippi (where they are not rare, but not as prevalent). Needless to say, it kind of creeped me out -- both the spider-factor itself as well as the coincidence factor.

I got to work the other day and was relaying the spider dream to a co-worker & she told me she had dreamed she was pregnant. I told her that I actually saw the spider the next day, so maybe she really was gonna get pregnant. Suffice to say, she was none too pleased with that theory.

And let me just say that, though I detest spiders, I DO NOT KILL banana spiders, or other big, relatively-harmless spiders that make their webs around my house... I just like to know where they are setting up shop so I can avoid them like the plague, you know?

Tangent --> I've always been interested in the symbolism of dreams, so of course, I could not help myself... I had to look up some different interpretations of what spiders might represent in dreams (I left all of my dream dictionaries @ home -- oh yeah, I several -- so I'm relying on the good ol' World Wide Web on this one):
  • To dream of a spider, denotes you being careful and energetic in your labors and fortune will be amassed to pleasing proportions. Domestic happiness.
  • Is the spider a threat - something that is creeping along stealthily towards you? While spiders are really pretty innocent in real life, many people are afraid of them [i.e. ME]. This could represent a worry you have in real life - that something unseen is planning on causing trouble for you. Could it be people spreading rumors, or someone you trust who is not really trustworthy?
  • To see a spider in your dream, indicates that you are feeling like an outsider in some situation. Or that you may want to keep your distance and stay away from an alluring and tempting situation. The spider is also symbolic of feminine power. Alternatively, a spider may refer to a powerful force protecting you against your self-destructive behavior. If you kill a spider, it symbolizes misfortune and general bad luck... To see a spider climbing up a wall in your dream, denotes that your desires will be soon be realized.
  • The spider is a symbol of poisonous and sinful desires, on one hand, and an emblem of skillful and creative attitudes, on the other hand. If you dream of a spider, you'd better be honest and work hard in order to be happy and successful. To dream of a spider sitting on your skin: you need to be ready to fight provocation and worries...

Monday, October 10, 2005

Words Kelly is not used to hearing often...

"Well, you don't have to be so damn nice about it, you know."

Friday, October 07, 2005

100 Things About Me.

I can't believe I'm about to partake in such a fad, but if it was good enough for Kimp., then it's good enough for me... However, as always, hers is much funnier than mine, so if you're looking for better entertainment, I suggest you go there. If you choose to stay, I know you're on *pins & needles*, so here goes:

  1. My favorite color is PURPLE. I'm not just partial to it, I really love it. Plus, let's face it, it IS the color of *royalty*...
  2. I love reading books and watching documentaries on serial killers, true crime, and drug addiction.
  3. I am extremely hard to offend. The difficulty in pissing me off? Not hard at all. But to offend me, to REALLY offend me, now that's a daunting task! I've been blessed w/ the vocabulary of a raunchy male chauvinist & I throw around some of the ugliest & most offensive words in the English language w/ reckless abandon... Hell, if I knew those words in other languages, I'd use them, too...
  4. Some people collect stamps, I collect quotes. I have books and books of them...
  5. I can still recite the "Lee Press-On Nails" commercial dialogue and the full list of linking verbs by heart. Time from my childhood that I will never get back...
  6. I love to drink. I'm not ashamed to admit it.
  7. The number 7 is my favorite number.
  8. I'm a Republican. *GASP*!
  9. While I do not believe in astrology or take my horoscope seriously, I take great pleasure in reading mine all the time for the entertainment of it...
  10. On that note, I'm an Aquarius.
  11. I love to paint.
  12. Unlike Tom Cruise, I think anti-depressants -- when prescribed and used as necessary -- are a wonderful thing. That being said, I think they are totally over-prescribed. Just don't take mine away!
  13. My avatar/display image on Yahoo! Instant Messenger is always either a dog or a cat wearing a tiara. (see current one @ right)
  14. I live for reading my entertainment magazines and unabashedly have subscriptions to all of the following: US Weekly, In Touch, Star, and People...
  15. One of my favorite veggies is the RADISH. I used to get them in my lunch box at school. Yeah, I was a weird kid... Oh wait --
  16. I was a weird kid.
  17. I have a total aversion to bellybuttons. I nearly hyperventilate if/when anyone goes near mine...
  18. I love, love, love animals.
  19. I believe in God and am a Christian.
  20. I think my mom is the most entertaining person in the world and I love her to bits. That being said, we often fight like cats & dogs. Anyone reading this who knows my mother can understand both of those statements perfectly.
  21. I think my dad is the kindest, most generous person in the world and he will be a hard man for anyone to ever live up to in my eyes. But people often mistake his silence for aloofness or uppity-ness (is that a word?) when in actuality, he's the nicest one in our family by far. Again, anyone reading this who knows my family understands this.
  22. According to, my name (Kelly) was the 10th most popular girl's name when I was born in 1977.
  23. I am a packrat. I never throw things away. This is a problem.
  24. I abhor new country music.
  25. I adore old country music.
  26. I am a sentimentalist, to the extreme.
  27. I have travelled a good bit, but have only been to 3 of the 7 continents at least once: Asia, Europe, and North America.
  28. I am an exceptional speller. I won the 3rd grade spelling bee. Go ahead and say it -- you're impressed.
  29. I keep my house WAAAAY colder than it ever needs to be.
  30. I suffer from arachnophobia (but strangely, do not kill any big spiders that spin webs on my porch b/c my dad taught me not to).
  31. I think spider webs are small works of art.
  32. My dad used to take me "frog-hunting" on our lake when I was little. We'd catch big ol' bullfrogs, but then let them go...
  33. My cousins and I used to "tarantula-hunting" in Texas (basically the equivalent to fucking with one of the little beasts until it gets mad and rears up on its hind legs in strike-mode -- real smart).
  34. I am an only child.
  35. I have no trouble spending time alone.
  36. I think O.J. was guilty, but I can somewhat see his point.
  37. I think Michael Jackson was guilty, but I cannot see his point at all.
  38. I love crossword puzzles, if they aren't too easy.
  39. I often get along better with guys than girls. The drama-factor is lower.
  40. I have bungee-jumped.
  41. I have never broken a bone (mine or anyone else's, though I did step on my grandmother's broken finger when I was little).
  42. I have a thing (read: compulsion) about handwriting. Consequently, my writing is very neat.
  43. I have GREEN eyes.
  44. I have an OLIVE complexion.
  45. I have DARK BROWN hair.
  46. I open my eyes under water while swimming.
  47. I was once engaged but called it off.
  48. I am currently in love... :-)
  49. I am extremely loyal, in love and friendship.
  50. I hold grudges and do not forgive easily.
  51. I love Alice in Chains and am heartbroken that Layne Staley died.
  52. I love Led Zeppelin even more.
  53. A child whining or wailing scrapes on my nerves like fingernails on a chalkboard.
  54. I would literally CRY if I ever found out (when the time comes) I was pregnant w/ twins...
  55. My favorite word is "onomatopoeia".
  56. I love football.
  57. I have a cat and a dog, and I love them like children. You hurt them, I hurt you.
  58. I cannot sing well.
  59. I sing in the car anyway.
  60. I am addicted to online shopping.
  61. I am addicted to Diet Coke.
  62. I use the term "addiction" lightly despite having dated an addict.
  63. I really, really like cinnamon.
  64. I shave my legs every day. Not because I have to, but because it's a habit.
  65. I have thick hair on my head, yet my arms and legs are nearly bald.
  66. I love "Family Guy".
  67. I have no tattoos.
  68. I loooooooooooove laying in bed and watching t.v. to relax... (if you met my bed, you'd understand)
  69. Get your mind out of the gutter.
  70. I have never been arrested (knock on wood) though I have deserved to be.
  71. I drive faster than I should.
  72. I'm a damn good driver.
  73. I love the smell of a smoldering FIRE.
  74. I think Matthew McConaughey is one beautiful specimen.
  75. I also think Topher Grace is quite lovely.
  76. I love trivia games.
  77. I consider myself to be smart AND a smart ass.
  78. I think you can be smart and also be a dumb ass.
  79. I have a Bachelor's degree in Business Administration from Millsaps College.
  80. I have been bitten by a snake.
  81. I can drink orange juice by the gallon (and don't mind it mixed with champagne either!)...
  82. I tend to have a dark sense of humor.
  83. I used to be a [cigarette] smoker but quit.
  84. I looooooooooooooooooove my iPod and could play with it for hours on end.
  85. I can be a total Drama Queen.
  86. My favorite book is "A Confederacy of Dunces".
  87. I love watching otters play.
  88. I like wine, beer, AND liquor and drink all 3. Though usually not simultaneously.
  89. My dog sometimes resembles an Ewok.
  90. The first time I got drunk was when I was 3 years old. Obviously, it was an accident.
  91. I absolutely love the Yahoo! game Literati...
  92. I am amazed that I have gotten this far in [almost] one sitting without getting too bored to finish.
  93. I would rather be COLD than HOT.
  94. I think one of the most attractive parts of a man can be his forearms.
  95. I usually prefer green eyes.
  96. CHRISTMAS is my favorite holiday and I do not like to break from family traditions!!!
  97. I've been called "high maintenance" by guys I dated (but curiously, they always stuck around)...
  98. I think Madonna is a whore, no matter how self-righteous or pious she might try to act. Let's face it: there's still a coffee table book of her having sex that her children will one day have to know about... I would be mortified if the whole world had access to visuals of my mother's nu-nu...
  99. I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but I'm entitled to disagree with them.
  100. I am literally shocked if anyone read this far. Pat yourself on the back, whoever you are.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

You Had Me at Hello. And I Immediately Proposed & Impregnated You.

By now I am sure most of you have heard the disturbing news that that kooky couple we all know as "TomKat" is with child.

  • My first thought is, "Ew."
  • My second thought is taken as a direct quote from my friend Molly (and while I wish I could take credit myself, this one is all hers): "This is just sickening. They have probably implanted her with L. Ron Hubbard's seed."
I love how his sister/publicist says everyone is "so happy", yet no one mentions her parents, who I can only imagine are anything BUT happy!!! I mean, their daughter is now knocked up by what amounts to a way-past-his-prime actor who is flailing himself on couches proclaiming his love while even Oprah -- even Oprah, people! -- gapes in utter disbelief... All of this before getting married, yet after years of proclaiming that she would remain a virgin until she was married -- and I know accidents happen, don't get me wrong... but don't flaunt it just because your "man"-friend was stung in the past by reports that he was a.) gay and b.) deficient in the sperm count department!!!

He's even convinced her to change her name to "Kate" to make her sound more mature (crazy idea: why doesn't he just find someone his own age if this is an issue?)... [And while we're on the age issue, I've included a simple & handy chart at the bottom of the post for your convenience...] Since the Catholic church tends to frown on premarital sex, out-of-wedlock children, serial "divorcers" like Tom Cruise, etc. -- and Katie was raised Catholic but appears not to heed its teachings too strictly -- I guess it's a good thing that the Church of Scientology has no morals. (Oh yeah, I said it. Take THAT, Demi, Ashton, Madonna, Britney, etc.)

In other celebrity-related dirt or if you just want to giggle a bit, please read Jason Mulgrew's open letter to Lindsay Lohan...

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Talladega and back, in one piece...

On Sunday, 4 of us -- Dad, Patrick, Jon & me -- made the trip to Talladega (5, if you count the fact that we dropped my mom off @ the Galleria in B'ham for the day along the way)... I love going, not so much for the racing, but for the sights! Oh, the sights!!! Before we even made it to the track, I saw this ingenious contraption. This is what you would call "thinking ahead" (must have been a Boy Scout):
Port-a-Potty in Pick-up Bed

That was right before we were nearly mowed down by the woman in the American flag string bikini riding a motorized cooler. I kid you not. Surprisingly, the men I was with wanted me to pull out the camera for that one, but I, in all of my good taste, refused.

After staying out WAAAAAAY later than intended the night before and drinking much more than the "just one drink" we had planned to drink, we proceeded to continue this alcoholic binge on race day with an obscene amount of Jack Daniels, Crown Royal, and just about any type of overpriced brand of "tall boy" beers we could get our grubby little paws on. It was lovely!

Too bad we had to get back to sober life and actually go back to work yesterday. Hmph. I sure do miss the days of college and total irresponsibility...