Ken Sucks. No, like, Ken literally sucks.

I overheard a news story that reported Mattel's financial numbers as being on the rise because of the introduction of "the new Ken doll"... and it was then that I looked up at the t.v. and saw the gayest-looking purported-to-be-male piece of plastic I have ever seen. I sincerely hope that they do not expect a class-act like Barbie® herself to compromise her integrity by staying with a man who clearly can never satisfy her -- emotionally, intellectually, or sexually. Is it because of her age and the fact that she is still not married? Is that why she is being punished with the curse of forbidden love? Why, why make her boyfriend so, so fancy? WHYYYY???

Okay, so anyway... When I was hunting for a picture of "the new Ken doll", I did a Yahoo! search for Mattel new Ken doll, and this was the first site that popped up: The Man Behind the Doll Presents Earring Magic Ken. I particularly like this quote:

"On closer inspection, Ken's entire Earring Magic outfit looks like three-year old rave wear. A Gaultier purple faux-leather vest, a straight-out-of-International-Male purple mesh shirt, black jeans and shoes. It would seem Mattel's crack Ken redesign team spent a weekend in LA or NY, dashing from rave to rave, taking notes and polaroids."

I love it!!! "A Gaultier purple faux-leather vest, a straight-out-of-International-Male purple mesh shirt, black jeans and shoes." And get a load of that caption under the convertible date picture: "It's Earring Magic driving with Secret Hearts, who is wearing a wrist corsage." Earring Magic & Secret Hearts... The pink ruffles on the passenger's shirt sleeve... A WRIST CORSAGE!!! There is a gay-Ken movement!!! Who knew!? I mean, it's always been obvious, but how fucking funny!!! Oh my God, I'm peeing...

I was going to try to post a picture of a masculine Ken doll for comparison purposes, but surprisingly, I honestly could not find one that did not look gay. Not a one.