Blah, blah, & more blah.

I have been such a boring blogger lately. So I'm going back to making fun of celebrities and random-ass news stories since they seem to be my favorite subjects:

• Awwww -- it's so sweet that Lindsay "Firecrotch" Lohan's mommy is taking up for her being able to party all night & put her day job second (you know, that pesky gig that allows her to whore around, have nice clothes & do who knows what drugs)... a job for which her 20-year old ass is waaaay overpaid (& of whose salary I am admittedly & insanely jealous). That's almost as pitiful as when Archie Manning basically got up & whined for Eli when he was the San Diego Chargers' first draft pick & didn't want to go there. Waaahhh!!! What a puss. If you want adult jobs, you should have to act like adult workers to get those adult paychecks. (Then again, judging from the acting skills -- or gross lack thereof -- portrayed in Eli's BankPlus commercials, maybe Archie speaking for him was a good thing) Anyway, you can read the scolding letter from Hohan's director HERE...
• From Beavis to Britney: MTV turns 25 -- "[The] average viewer is 20 years old — too young to remember Martha Quinn, not even born when Madonna buckled on her 'boy toy' belt..." Oh my heavens. I'm ancient... and this is just further proof.
• I want a six-toed Hemingway pussy!!!
• Funny New Find: StuffOnMyCat.com... and for all you pervs out there, this is NOT a reference to the female anatomy. Get your minds out of the gutter.

And just for good measure, here's a "Family Guy" video (because who can ever resist a good ol' FG clip, right?):

In other goings-on, my dad requested that his birthday present be for all of us (my parents, Jon & myself) to accompany him to a race at Barber Motorsports Park in Birmingham -- which, by the way, is located on some of the most beautiful & lush grounds I have ever seen. But anyway, when we got there, it was raining. Then it quit & turned so searingly sunny & hot that I thought I was going to pass out (I made several trips to the car just to take in a bit of a/c here and there!). And then, towards the end of the race, it looked like we were on the verge of Armageddon:After that, we basically trudged home (correction: JP & I slept while Dad drove) in a torrential downpour, but a fun time was had by all. And somehow, despite the periodic rain throughout the day, Jon & I still managed to get sunburned... and drunk. Score!

I know this post is a bit random and pointless. (just a bit?) But that's sort of the mood I'm in right now, I guess. Sorry. I promise to try to do better in the future. Story of my life, right? Ha!

But enough about me. At least for now. ;)

Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself...

"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be."

~Shel Silverstein, Where The Sidewalk Ends~

Talking About Life's REAL Issues...

Him: Look right there -- is that a dent on the [BBQ] grill?
Me: I don't know, where?
Him: [in an increasingly panicked tone] Just to the left of the black knob!!!
Me: Oh yeah, I see it. Yep, sure is. It's a dent. [dripping with sarcasm] Do you think she's gonna be okay? Should we give her a good scrub down and wax her up?
Him: Oh, don't worry... I come out here and talk to her every morning.

Hmmm... Maybe There Is Something To This "Astrology" Shit After All...

---

Aquarius (from Astrology.com)

Daily Extended Horoscope: After a quick, productive start to the day, resist the urge to keep going at full speed. Consider the day a success, and then take it easy and relax to reward yourself. As tempting as it may be to make a big splash and get a lot done, avoid starting any new projects -- even casual appointments or social obligations are to be avoided. The afternoon or evening will offer plenty of great ways for you to relax. Give yourself a treat and a minor indulgence.

---

It's Friday, and I've Got Nothing...

...so I'm making today's a "random picture post" -- I know that's shocking. First of all, is it me, or was this frog staring me down as I took his picture? Oh, he definitely was. Then again, he's probably thinking, "Shit -- here we go again with that bitch and her fucking camera. Ugh." Oh, it's ON, motherfucker.

Last night as I was watering plants that I have not yet been successful at killing, I discovered that I have mushrooms growing in my pots on the front porch. And not the wacky kind of 'shrooms (nor the wacky kind of pot, for that matter):
You know, it must be really, really tiring to sit around and relax all day while the world asks nothing of you but to be cute:
And lastly, yet no less boring than the firstlies, I give you visual irony (in the form of the beetle sitting on top of a stone version of its natural predator):
Wow. I am really, really boring. Plus, lately I will turn around to start doing something & totally forget what it was that I had intended to do. Just poof! Gone. Can you get Alzheimer's at the age of 29? Because I swear, I think I'm losing my mind. Slowly but surely.

Happy Friday, bitches.

Oh, Deer...

It's perfectly normal to start out your day feeding a very preggers deer 'nilla wafers, right? (no doubt said wafers were purchased in bulk at Sam's Club due to the sheer volume of them that she goes through on a daily basis -- plus, men seem to love the idea of BUYING IN BULK) Not sure when that baby is gonna appear, but let me tell you, she is udderly [ha, I slay me!] fat as a pig!!!

In other news... I never thought I attended a college that could ever be labeled "the gates of hell" by any group -- much less an anti-abortion group -- but apparently I was wrong. [not to mention, it is a Methodist college!] I guess they just went by proximity to the aboriton clinic? Because that's really what is going to make me decide to get an abortion -- location, location, location!!! Thank you, abortion activists, for bringing this lovely issue to light & for making a spectacle in our state's capitol. Oh, & for making my education at Millsaps College even more valuable than before by dubbing it "the gates of hell" -- y'all rock! (Note: This isn't me giving my opinion on the abortion issue in any way, shape or form... but I must take a bit of exception when someone dubs my educational institution such a horrible name! You can read the entire article in the Clarion-Ledger if you want more...)

I hate to be a downer, but we had a very bizarre and tragic incident on Tuesday night here in my hometown -- a house literally exploded and a local woman was killed. People, this story will scare the shit out of you, especially if you have any gas appliances!!! According to the Meridian Star, "The force of the explosion was so intense that it reportedly blew out the windows of neighbors’ homes, and could be heard and felt several miles away... Other neighbors thought the explosion was a plane crash."

Yikes.

My Summer Saving Grace...

That's it. Right there. Kudos & thanks go out to the almighty, heavy-duty, smoke-your-lungs-up citronella candle... for without its burning flame, I would be one, big, fat walking mosquito bite this summer.

Or I could just stay inside. Where there is lots & lots of air-conditioning. Like a smart little cookie.

(And if you happened to actually click on that link right up there, then I have to point out that my favorite line is the killer opener, "Judges removed their wigs inside the courts." Oh, my giddy aunt! The horror that bloody heat has put upon them to go so far as to force them to remove those silly wigs!!! But don't worry, because, "The heat failed to dash one of Queen Elizabeth II's annual garden parties. Nearly 8,000 people lined up to enter Buckingham Palace....'Oh my gosh, it's so hot,' said Sonia Read, as she flapped her fan. 'I have never seen anything like this.' " Well, THANK GOD we don't have a REAL catastrophe on our hands!!! Just a few dead ones about, but most of them were probably old anyway, right? Tea & biscuits, anyone?)

And on a very random note, for the love of all that is holy, would someone please tell me why I submit myself to watching The Notebook again & again & a-fucking-gain, every time I find it on t.v.? What, do I think it's not going to depress me this time around? Not to mention, I own the damn DVD!!! I mean, what the hell? And not even "my" kind of movie! Self-inflicted torture, I swear...

Get in My Belly!!!

Sneaky little bugger... Peering down into my "wasp-catcher" (there are flying battalions of them waging war on both my front & back porches!), I found this little guy... The catcher is essentially a glass jug with a hole at the top & bottom w/ sugar water in it to lure bugs in & not let them escape -- and it actually works, as there is a wasp drowning in it as we speak... But this smart little fellow figured out that he could climb inside & just wait on the meals to come to him!!! Brilliant, I tell you...

One From the College Archives...

K.W.B.: "Okay, here's the riddle... What is greater than God, more evil than the devil, the poor have it, the rich need it, and if you eat it, you'll die?"

S.A.H.: "Uhhh, sex???"

Pick a Night, Any Night...

Last week is kind of a blur -- the sole reason being that I was working my ass off & my brain was pretty much nothing but mushy grey matter by the time I got home every night. Seriously, just about all of the nights run together as I was essentially worthless once I left the office (more so than usual, smart ass!)... this pretty much sums up just about any night of last week:

So there I sit, just relaxing with my drink (thank you, Jon!) while, uh, smoking [yeah, even despite the ungodly heat & humidity, I was choosing to inhale even more hot air -- brilliant, no? but come on, gotta take the edge off every now & then, right?) ], both whilst fighting off my summertime nemesis, the fucking mosquito... I don't know what it is about me (I'm so sweet? Ha!), but the little fuckers EAT ME ALIVE while people around me will be sitting there untouched amidst my gathering swarm. (I've heard a theory that their attraction has something to do with blood type, but the yummy-smelling lotion & perfume probably doesn't help! Accordoing to Wikipedia, "Being male, being overweight, and having type 'O' blood may increase the risk of being bitten." Okay, so I have the type 'O' blood, but I'm NOT a fat man. 1 out of 3 ain't bad, right?)

Anyway... the hummingbird wars have started back up again at my house -- they fight over the nectar in the feeder & will literally buzz the hell out of me whilst I'm innocently (ha!) idling my time away being worthless on my porch. They migrate to Belize every year during the winter & then come back... and I swear, at least one of them (see left) is the same one as last year b/c, after it gets a little sippy-sip, it flies back over & sits on the same branch of the same tree as last year. Guess I have a nectar-friendly yard to which it is worth returning for another season. I'm so honored.

The most exciting thing about last week? Jon & I bought a GRILL and he got to COOK MEAT ON IT!!! Man's domain. There was so much testosterone flying around that grill (along with wasps and 'skeeters) that I just stayed out of the way for safety reasons. Rule of Thumb: Don't mess with a man and his meat.

Okay, now that I got last week's worthlessness (outside of work) noted and out of the way, on to bigger & better things this week, right? And surely some more food (ahem, meat) cooked on the grill by my sweet & loving personal chef, jonpdalewood, who desperately needs to update his blog (hint, hint). ;) At least, that's the plan...

Southern-Fried Culture?

Okay, so I'm watching this movie called Paradise Lost: The Child Murders at Robin Hood Hills about the "West Memphis Three", which is a documentary that can pretty much be summed up concisely by its description on imbd.com:

Tagline: It's frightening to think they did it. It's terrifying to think they didn't.

Plot Outline: A horrific triple child murder leads to an indictment and trial of three nonconformist boys based on questionable evidence.

Please note: I'm not making light of the deaths of these little boys in any way at all -- I know their murders were horrendous tragedies and they are not the targets of this post in any way, nor is it a mockery of what happened. That being said...

...it is impossible to watch this movie and NOT be utterly astounded by the sheer volume of mullets, awful teeth (or, more often than not, lack thereof), abused & butchered grammar, OVERALLS, "interesting" & "creative" make-up, hairstyles &/or dye jobs I never dreamt even existed, trailer parks, lawn ornaments galore, quite a few mesh caps, lots & lots of stretchy cotton clothing pieces including, but not limited to, camoflauge items, a fair amount of downhome Southern Baptist preachin' at its finest (don't get me wrong -- I am a strong Christian, but hellfire & brimstone aren't really my cup o' tea)... and did I mention the mullets? Oh, they are worth mentioning twice, trust me. I mean, WOW. That's the first thought... just wow.

I lived in Memphis, Tennessee, for a short time & always heard that the town of West Memphis, Arkansas, (just across the Mississippi River from Memphis, TN) was, well, redneck. Sorry to anyone out there from West Memphis who might take offense to that, I've never even been there. But that is the impression I always got from other Memphricans... Yeah, it was filmed around 1993-96, not exactly the pinnacle of fashion, but if the "cast" of this documentary are any represenatation of the town as a whole, then I have to admit, the rep would be unfortunately appropriate. Sooo unforutunately appropriate. Again, wow. And I'm sorry.

Call me a bitch, call me a snob, call me whatever you wish, but I swear I'm not (at least, not in this case). Just watch it for yourself -- it's like it's a documentary that also exemplifies every horrible Southern cliche' & stereotype, only amplified!!! Then again, it is sadly rather reminiscent of the video I saw on the national news after a tornado hit a town 20 miles west of my hometown -- because I swear, they always pick the worst comment(s) possible made by a local resident (who is, at that moment, always waaaay too eager to point out his status as a local) to air... and it went a little something like this -- hit it, Frank: {in the countriest voice you can imagine} "Well, it took out the Wal-Mart's and the La-Z-Boy factory -- took the roof plum off -- so we really ain't got nuthin' left."

Well said, my friend. Well said.

Neglectful Blogger.

Life has sort of gotten in the way of my all-important blogging. The nerve, I swear!!! Home, work, friends, family, you name it... Still, in all of its ugliness, LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. I've been given a new insight into that, and for it, I am thankful. As a very wise friend told me, "So whatever hardship you are going through...it may be life's little way of grabbing us by the shirt, shaking us & saying don't get too comfortable!!!???" Indeed.

My buddy Matthew has been planning to trek from Prague to Berlin with some pals to attend Love Parade -- renting a car which will double as transportation as well as shelter, all of which sounds like absolute hell to me (then again, I'm not into raves, Ecstasy, Acid, etc., but by the same token, neither is Matthew!). Read about it -- seriously, it sounds like Mardi Gras on LSD. I've been to the Full Moon Party on the beach in Thailand and that was enough for me. Fun, sure... but been there, done that!!!

I wish I had more to offer in this post, but really, it would be a whole bunch of bitching & moaning... and while I am excellent at doing said bitching & moaning, I'll just resign myself to muttering my annoyances & grievances aloud so that those around me can enjoy them in all of their splendor. At least for now...

Look-Alikes...

I have long thought that, when her hair reaches a certain length around her face, my dog Mattie looks just like Mare Winningham (Wendy) in St. Elmo's Fire. Uncanny. I'm sure you can't see the resemblance -- nobody ever seems to see it but me, go freaking figure. Especially since the picture I found of "Wendy" & the one I took of my Mattie just don't capture the look. Oh well. I tried. And she DOES SO look like her!!! Damnit. My mom seems to think that Mattie looks like "Peg" from Lady and the Tramp (see right)... and I have to agree. However, I have always had a tendency to think people look like certain animals, & vice-versa. Is that weird? Oh well... it's the truth. For example, Milton Berle always reminded me of a buzzard & Steve Buscemi looks like a toad. Y'all may think I'm crazy (hell, maybe I am at this point!), but it's true... Not everyone has an animal doppelgänger, but some just beg to be pointed out by weirdos like me!!! Try it, it's great fun!

And if you are OCD like I am, then you couldn't help but look at Posh Spice & be reminded of a walking stick (the insect). With boobs.

Lost.

What are you supposed to do when your world -- everything you have thought was real -- comes crashing down? Seriously, what do you do??? [sigh]

4th of July -- Cue Up the Shooter Jennings... [CLICK HERE]

Happy Independence Day, fellow Americans!!! I have been nothing but a lazy bum for the past 24 hours or so -- anything but a little firecracker of energy. Booooo on me, right? I guess that's a very pitiful & uninspiring way of celebrating this, the 230th anniversary of our great nation's independence, huh? That nation which affords me the luxury of actually being able to exercise the option to be a lazy bum for a day. God Bless America!!!

[In all seriousness, though, God bless all of our troops who could not be here at home to celebrate this 4th of July with us...]

Even though today is the day to celebrate the United States, I could not help but post this picture from the Czech Republic that was sent to me & taken by Matthew, totally used without asking permission.
But I'm giving him his credit for an awesome shot [isn't that gorgeous?], and flaunting my pea-green envy that he is world-travelin' while I'm slaving away my life every day here at home. Okay, okay... so life is pretty good for me, what am I complaining about? I'm just an ungrateful bitch, I guess.

• Come on, is this really necessary? Man eats 53 3/4 hot dogs in 12 minutes And I'm sorry, but no man should do anything that promotes his proudly being dubbed a "weiner-eater".
• The Forbidden Library: Banned and Challenged Books -- a list of banned &/or censored books (includes historic facts & pissy comments from the site's author)... Kind of amusing...
• I have the "For Good Luck, Rub My Belly" shirt, but perhaps this one more appropriately suits me: "For Good Luck, Kiss My Ass".

Well, it's about time for another in a line of requisite Independence Day cocktails... already scarfed down some ribs like a good little fat ass. :)

" Rubbin's Racin' "

This past weekend, I went with my parents and Jon to the U.S. Grand Prix (F1 race) in Indianapolis where we met up with my cousin & her husband... True to form & as predicted, Mom & I got into a lovely spat before we even loaded our fat asses up into the car to begin the 9-hour sojourn north to Indiana!!! Oh, and on the way home. Just north of Nashville yesterday, she pulled out the dramatics which somehow led to me being told to just shut up. Soooo, I put on my earphones, cued up my iPod, & did just that. What, you have a question for me? Sorry, I'm still in "shut-up mode". Gotta love family road trips...
I won't go into specifics about the race -- if you care, you either already know, or you can click on the "U.S. Grand Prix" link above... Suffice to say that a good time was had by all at what may have been the last running of the U.S. Grand Prix at Indy. (Note: Bernie Ecclestone, the F1 boss, can take his derogatory comments about the U.S. and shove them up his Andy Warhol-looking, arrogant, European, tight ass...)

Snippets & tidbits that could not be left unshared:

• US judge faces year in jail for getting pumped up at murder trials: OKLAHOMA, USA (AFP) - A US jury has sentenced an Oklahoma judge to one year in prison for using a penis pump on the bench during three murder trials and a civil case in 2002 and 2003.
• Operation removes lightbulb from anus: MULTAN, Pakistan (Reuters) - Fateh Mohammad, a prison inmate in Pakistan, says he woke up last weekend with a glass lightbulb in his anus.
• Every stoner's dream --> "Chocolate Factory" theme park to open in Amsterdam: AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - Amsterdam will get a theme park dedicated to chocolate and inspired by Roald Dahl's children's book "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," city officials and entrepreneurs said Thursday.

Here's wishing everyone out there a safe & happy 4th of July!!!