The Key Master

You know how it feels when you're really ready to just be home? Not even home from a long trip or anything, but home after a regular day? Well, that was exactly how I felt last night, and then this...

So there I am, arms full with all my mail (only 1 piece of which turned out to be of any significance -- damn catalogs!), my huge purse (also dubbed "my suitcase"), and a basket of happies that my oh-so-sweet boyfriend sent me at work yesterday. I go to open my door and guess what? The damn thing was fucking LOCKED!!!

I know, I know... you would think I should always lock my doors, and really, I do. (This led me to the conclusion that I keep my house locked up tighter than Dick's hat band b/c I could not even find a window open!!!) But this door is inside my garage so, when I shut the garage door, I had left the inner door unlocked. You know, because I'm lazy like that. Better yet, this is the one day that I DO NOT have my house key on my keychain -- I had taken it off for some reason the day before & not put it back on yet b/c I never need it. Or so I thought... Anyway, I'm standing there, helplessly cursing like a sailor with scurvy, mail & papers flying in all directions, trying every key that I can find -- just in case -- and all the while my pekingese is on the other side of the door, jumping shoulder-high so he can see me through the window on the door and I can SEE my key sitting on the table inside. Frustrated? Oh, you have no idea...
Luckily, I now know from experience that credit cards do, in fact, still unlock some doors. Thank heavens, b/c I was thiiiiiis close to breaking a damn window!!! As for how it got locked in the first place, I can only assume that while Winston was jumping on the door to greet me , his paw hit the button on the knob to lock the door. I could have shot him, I swear. [although I have to remember that he was only doing it b/c he was excited to see me] Now I'm afraid to even go out on my back porch with him still inside for fear of him locking me out again!!! I can see it now: I step outside in nothing but a t-shirt & skivvies and the freaking dog locks me out. Yep, that would be my luck.

Finally... after all of that was over, I got to go inside & clean up where the little fucker had shit on my floor while I was at work... like a little cherry on top of a turd of a "welcome home". Can you say, "appropriate"?

Patience, Young Grasshopper...

I kept trying to take a picture of his little green ass, but all that he would do was jump on me or my camera. Next thought? Screw it, let my favorite pair of pj's make their photo debut as well...

And now, for a few random niblets & crumbs:

• Party Over for Engaged [Aaron] Carter -- "Looks like Aaron's next party won't be of the bachelor variety... Carter said that he popped the question after knowing Peniche for just five days and that he 'acted on impulse... Is that a good excuse?' " No, you dumb fuck, it's not a good excuse. It IS, however, a very obvious publicity ploy for your soon-to-be train wreck of a reality show, House of Carters... Yeah, reeeeeal sneaky.
• Brooks 'Toons Up His "Spaceballs" -- "May the Schwartz be with you... again. Mel Brooks' Star Wars-skewering gang are set to make their debut--in 'toon form--on the G4 cable network in the fall of 2007." Oh. My. Gawd. I LOVE IT!!! I'm so there...
• Mom properly jailed for letting baby smoke dope -- "Jessica Durham was photographed allowing her toddler Michala to suck from a marijuana water pipe, also known as a bong, in 2004 by a friend upset about the activity... 'Ms. Durham allegedly remarked that smoking improved Michala's appetite and left Michala lethargic and mellow - a manner she found consistent with her own experience smoking marijuana,' Judge Louis Pollak of the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals wrote in summarizing the case." Wow, Michala, you have the coolest mom ever!!! And, yes, I'm kidding. Even childless me knows better -- if you can't hold your own joint, then you're too young to smoke.
• Is it me or does Lindsay Lohan's boyfriend or ex or fuck-buddy or whatever he is look like her mom, only with better highlights?

Welcome Home, Saints!!!

Katrina Victims Hail Reopening of Superdome, Return of Saints

Must Love Dogs.

That's Winston's "I-Dropped-My-Toy-Will-You-Pick-It-Up?" face... He's so freaking adorable, he borders on edible... just look at those EYES!!! Just don't let them fool you into thinking that he is this poor little tortured soul (he's got the routine down pat, I promise you!) because he is about as rotten as they come!!!

The critters (minus my snobby little Dixie Lou, of course) were so excited that "Aunt Molly" came by to visit while in town from San Antonio -- and gave out many more hugs & kisses to my domestic furballs than I give on a daily basis!!! Plus, mine are boring, hers are fresh & new!!! She was even willing to get down on the floor and PLAY!!! She may not know it, but she just made 2 more best friends for life. Her sweet cock-a-poo, Bella, has recently (in her words) "become a woman". Which means, she's a disgusting mess and is now sporting a black leather Harley Davidson doggie diaper that is a couple sizes too small. Hey, just be glad that I'm sparing you the details that I got to hear because I could really take this one a lot further. As in, too far...

(not-so) proudly presenting "local" news:

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Mobile Homes Auctioned by County

The shots from this t.v. news story... oh, they're just bad. Or, uh, well, they're certainly... something. I mean, I'm glad that the homes are being used and not abandoned completely, I guess? I just don't know what to say here. Is this proof of our "trailer park" image as Mississippians? I'm sure lots of places have stuff like this and we're no different, but the story was just a teensy-eensy bit curious & funny to me... I know, I'm being ugly, but with headlines like these, can you blame me? Mobile Homes! For Sale! Yea!

ION... I have been CoMpLeTeLy ObSeSsEd with My Flickr Account recently (my latest OCD vicitm, I guess -- perhaps giving my CD burner a rest?). If any of you out there do not have an account set up, just browse through some of the amazing & hilarious shots! God, I sound like an advertisement. They should really pay me royalties or something. But with my luck, I'll probably get slapped with a lawsuit or some shit instead... but yes, I'm a Flickr addict. Or rather, I'm a Flickr Whore...

Drunk Photography.

Below is what happens when you make the mistake of turning to the really, Really, REALLY drunk guy next to you in the bar & ask him to take your picture. You know, the guy who just slid the ashtray your way & in the process, his lit cigarette comes hurling at you as well? The one who won't talk & sure as hell doesn't know how to use a digital camera? And who is obviously not willing to put forth any effort into learning, as evidenced by the photo below:
Not. Even. Close. Nice, huh? Oh, and just for the record, the woman in the white shirt? Not with us. Don't even know her, though she does seem to be his point of focus (however, she did take a much better picture for us later -- see left). Hell, he was probably just pointing it at the the only light-colored blur he saw, if at all. But seriously, didn't "drunk guy" do a fantastic job? My question is also this: why go out to a bar & pay a premium on your drinks if you don't want to socialize & be even remotely friendly? I mean, get a fifth of whiskey, stay home, turn up the radio, & just get piss-ass drunk without paying more & risking the DUI... but maybe that's just me.

I KNEW IT!!!!

According to an *enlightening* news report titled, "Alcohol use helps boost income: study", the following has been reported:

People who consume alcohol earn significantly more at their jobs than non-drinkers, according to a US study that highlighted "social capital" gained from drinking.

The study published in the Journal of Labor Research Thursday concluded that drinkers earn 10 to 14 percent more than teetotalers, and that men who drink socially bring home an additional seven percent in pay.

"Social drinking builds social capital," said Edward Stringham, an economics professor at San Jose State University and co-author of the study with fellow researcher Bethany Peters. "Social drinkers are out networking, building relationships, and adding contacts to their BlackBerries that result in bigger paychecks."

The researchers found some differences in the economic effects of drinking among men and women. They concluded that men who drink earn 10 percent more than abstainers and women drinkers earn 14 percent more than non-drinkers.

See? I knew there was a reason that I'm a drinker!!! And I can actually earn MORE than a man, percentage-wise, because I drink??? Score! It does go on to say this, though:

However, unlike men, who get a seven percent income boost from drinking in bars, women who frequent bars at least once per month do not show higher earnings than women drinkers who do not visit bars.

"Perhaps women increase social capital apart from drinking in bars," the researchers said in an effort to explain the gender gap.

What the hell does that imply? Lushy women don't benefit as much from bar-hopping as men because..... they can just get drunk and sleep their way to the top instead with no need for the bar scene? Either way, I'm still just relishing the semi-justification of my love of alcohol. ;)

Football + Beer = Happy Girl (Me)

Football has begun and, therefore, I have been enjoying me some BEER!!! Oh Lord, I'm gonna be a fat(ter) ass if I'm not more careful -- because not only have I been reveling in my rekindled romance with the suds, but I prefer darker beer to your run-of-the-mill Miller Lite or Coors Light -- ergo, more calories. (if I'm AT a football game, then it's usually bourbon, of course -- due to the ease & availability of liquids with which to mix it!) One way or another, I just know that I gotta drink to watch football. 2 things I love. ;)

[Speaking of football, my Fantasy Football team, "The Royal Bitches" (comprised of myself & Meredith), won our first game. But I don't want to elaborate or gloat about it too much because it was only by ONE FREAKING POINT!!! We can't be proud of winning like that. Damn you, Trent Green, damn you. And you, too, "Tampa Bay's defense". Boo, hiss!!!]

I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed of the fact that, when I walk into our local bar, they don't even have to ask me what I want to drink. All of a sudden -- poof! -- a nice cold draft beer is sitting in front of me (thank you bunches, Lesley!). Unless it's an extra dirty martini night, but that's a whole different ballgame!!! The pic above was me & Christi last night -- a beer night, thank goodness. Otherwise, I would be sporting the drunk eyes much more extensively... and likely a headache-from-hell & bitchier-than-normal attitude today.

Later taters... I'm off to down a few cold ones... What? There's no football tonight? Good thing the 2 aren't mutually exclusive. Darling beer, you get me all to yourself. Can you feel the love?

Spread Eagle, Haircut, & Pretty Baby...

I'm really, really, really disturbed after seeing this, therefore I have to share my disgust with you -- but BEWARE! You could likely catch something through the computer just from looking at Lindsay Lohan's ever-appearing crotch. (That, or your eyes may catch fire.) I think it has made more public appearances lately than she has. Girl, learn to close those legs -- I know it's hard, but come on... [Oh, and anyone who actually clicks on the link, don't say I didn't warn you.] And in the event that it is Photoshopped, bitch still needs to quit spreading her legs all over town anyway.

*Also, be sure to read another hilarious story on the trials & tribulations of Paris Hilton: Nobody Wants Paris... Now, that is comedy!!! Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! Her rejections just fill me with *glee*.

I finally went & got a haircut/trim today, as it was approaching near Crystal Gayle proportions. I called Jon to tell him & his response was, "How bad is it... [pause] Uh, I mean, how short did you get it cut?" Yeah, nice catch. Why is it that everyone (i.e. my boyfriend, my mom, my grandmother, my cousin, every boyfriend I've had in the past, etc.) is so worried that I am going to chop my hair off? I mean, come on, I would look like a 13-year old. [Just take a gander at the picture the left -- circa 1999 -- to see my one & only adventure into short hairdom... suffice to say it won't happen again.] It was not good. And I'm definitely not a "pixie cut" kind of girl, I'm a "long locks" kind of girl... Must just be the unwavering beauty & luster of my hair, right? Yeah, ummm, sure...

My cousin's oldest little boy, Thomas, was chosen by a child modeling agency to be in ads for places like Macy's. No, it's not some scam or anything, he's just darn cute. My dad cleverly (& jokingly) pointed out that it's too bad the younger one didn't try out since he's the one willing to wear dresses!!! Hopefully he will have fun doing it... if not, my cousin will have him out of there so fast, it will make your head spin!!!
Adorable little nugget, isn't he? Of course, I'm not biased on single bit. ;)

Yet Another Reason Why I Love Him...

(Note: This takes place as I'm describing a dream I had in which I arrive at work to find a bunch of people unplugging things, emptying out my drawers, moving desks & file cabinets, and just making a complete mess of my office under the guise of having to do some upgrades to the building or something)

Me: And then this girl, who supposedly works with these people, smarts off to me for no good reason. I was like, "Look, I'm not paying you to be a f*cking bitch to me!"
Him: Yeah, because that's YOUR job.
Me: Damn right. Good answer...

Happy Burf-day, Jon!!!

Or rather, Happy 3rd Anniversary of your 29th Birthday!!!

(picture above taken on the 2nd anniversary of the 29th b'day)

Elvis Babies & Drunk Whores.

I'm gonna just skip over the Suri Cruise hoop-la, except to say this: first, you procreate an alien who looks like a cross between the Prime Minister of Japan and an Asian Elvis impersonator, then you withhold sightings of it (a common theme with aliens & Elvis, as we all know) until America almost explodes from sheer curiosity, then BAM! We are all inundated with pictures of your child & finace' trying to look happy. It's all probably some Scientology exercise in brainwashing or something. I lost interest long ago. And, yes, I am a really mean bitch for making fun of a baby -- especially one that already will be totally fucked-up by Tom Cruise, but give me a break. The kid will probably grow up to be gorgeous. Until then, though, they need to take that baby toupee' off.
But this... this, my friends, is just too funny not to laugh at, despite the story being plastered everywhere. Fit & fits of knee-slapping, gut-wrenching, vomit-inducing laughter:
The poor little skank just (sob) wanted (sob) a burger (sob). This line from Paris herself is just brilliant: "Everything I do is blown out of proportion," said Hilton, not known for shying away from publicity. "It really hurts my feelings."

Oh my heavens. YOU ARE A PUBLICITY WHORE. THAT'S WHAT YOU DO. Fucking come on!!! Does anyone else know what this bitch does to make all this money that she repeatedly says she works so hard for? I know it's not from the sex tapes or, God help us all, her music career. It couldn't have been that she had a lot of cash to work with in the first place, could it? Nooooo, she's a self-made heiress, right? That's not a contradictory statement in any way, I promise (ha). Now she can be famous for getting a DUI, too. Well done!

And finally, a big thank you to Memphis Steve for THIS, which made me giggle & brought a nice little bright spot of sarcasm & cynicism (2 of my favorite things) to my day! Gotta give a shout-out when a shout-out is due...

Frankly, My Dear...

Vivien Leigh was voted the most beautiful British woman of all time.
(click on the title above for the full story).

Why, you may ask, is this especially poignant to me? Well, for starters, I used to watch "Gone With the Wind" every day when I was an itty-bitty kid. I'm not kidding. Every... Damn... Day... sometimes repeatedly. My cousin & I even got our own box sets for Christmas one year! I can recite the entire movie -- even the freaking credits! -- which basically means that I am HELL to watch it with. I am "that guy" when it comes to GWTW (or "girl", as the case may have it). Basically, if you want to keep your sanity, avoid watching it with me at all costs, because I will drive you nuts.

Secondly, when I was in kindergarten, we had to create a book that was something to the effect of "All About Me" (brilliant title, btw). One of the questions was, "If you could grow up to be anyone in the world, who would you want to be?" My answer, without hesitation, was Vivien Leigh. I LOVE HER, ADORE HER to this very day. My teacher thought I was this gifted genius or something because, let's face it, what 5-year old aspires to be a British stage & film actress from the 1930's & 40's, right? Little did she know that I was merely obsessed with Scarlett & her Southern belle bitchiness and thought that Vivian Mary Hartley was the most gorgeous woman ever to grace this planet... (and as for the "gifted genius" part, well, the teacher was right, of course.)

Essentially, I guess I just wanted to be a BEAUTIFUL BITCH. Hmm.

"Crikey!" R.I.P. Crocodile Hunter...

CAIRNS, Australia - Steve Irwin, the hugely popular Australian television personality and conservationist known as the "Crocodile Hunter," was killed Monday by a stingray while filming off the Great Barrier Reef. He was 44.

Irwin was at Batt Reef, off the remote coast of northeastern Queensland state, shooting a segment for a series called "Ocean's Deadliest" when he swam too close to one of the animals, which have a poisonous barb on their tails, his friend and colleague John Stainton said.

"He came on top of the stingray and the stingray's barb went up and into his chest and put a hole into his heart," said Stainton, who was on board Irwin's boat at the time.

* You know, it says a lot about a man who, when he dies, the whole world feels like they have lost a friend... R.I.P., mate...

Picture It:

10:30 p.m. -- It's a unusually & unseasonably cool 78°F (following a night where we actually saw the 60's - gasp!) Saturday night in Mississippi. Jon & I are sitting on the back porch, relaxing and talking... just us and the crickets (and the dogs, of course).

All of a sudden we hear sirens screaming by in the distance, and every dog in the surrounding area begins to bark and howl (except for my worthless & oblivious duo), long and drawn out howls... And then Jon bestows the "matter-of-fact" following remark:

"There's an old wives' tale that says that when you hear sirens and dogs start howling, then whoever is involved in the accident is dead, or the sitation results in a fatality. And if the dogs don't bark, then I guess everything's okay. I don't know, maybe I have that backwards."

Then all goes quiet. No sirens, no barking. A few moments later, the sound of another siren can be heard in the distance coming our direction and the dogs started howling once again. The mere thought of the tale's validity kind of gave me the creeps. Poor Jon, bless his heart, could only respond by shrugging, "Sorry." In some strange way, the way he sheepishly said that only as an afterthought made me smile. Oh, happy Saturday night. Still a creepy thought, though. Brrrr, chill bumps.

Birthday Bitches.

Happy 30th Birthdays to my pals Katie & Katye -- 2 of my first friends to take the plunge out of the 20's and into the next decade!!! You might have seen them partying like rock stars recently in South Beach and if so, then Lord have mercy... Love you, bitches!!!

Girlie-Man.

Do you see what my cousin has done to my child (okay, so he's really her kid, but still...)? That little tater-tot in the DRESS to the left there? That's my sweet little nephew Matthew! What, oh what has she done to my baby boy!? She's turning him into a cross-dresser, & he's too young to know that he should not be smiling about it!!!

I think this was her way of trying to convince us that if she had another kid, what a cute girl they could have. But just because she has 2 boys is no reason to turn little Matthew into an infant trannie!!! ;)

Some Shit (literally).

It is finally Friday. It's been one of those weeks (you know, like it always is, because I am a complete & total cynic). Sadly enough, I did not even realize that Labor Day was on Monday until someone said something about us having a "long weekend". I was like.... wha? Oooooh, yeah, that's right. No complaints here... I swear, I could spend the entire weekend with a couple of bottles of wine and my ever-so-comfortable bed and be happy as a fucking clam. Or even happy as a clam fucking. Although I'm not all that well-schooled on the reproductive activities of mollusks. But anyway, here are a few goodies:

• The Excremental Suri -- Ew. Okay, this is just freaking gross... not that I would expect any less from Tom Cruise, but the article goes on to say, "Babies mostly breast-feed for the first four months, so a baby's first meal of solid food may be a baby's first meal at the dinner table," said David Kesting, director of Capla Kesting Fine Art, located in Brooklyn's Williamsburg gallery district. "A bronzed cast of baby's first poop can be a meaningful memento for the family." Okay, ummm, not only no, but heeeeeell NO. Who wants a bronzed piece of shit on their mantle? Please...
• Football's Matt Leinart to Be a Father -- I have 2 questions about this: 1.) Were these two even dating, or just fucking? Because I seem to read about him with a different slut every week... and 2.) Will this affect his QB skills? I really need to know in order to strategize for my Fantasy Football League.
• Was Angelina Jolie Drunk At Maddox's Birthday Party? Oh, who cares. You know, if I had 3 children under the age of 5 years old (or even just one, for that matter), I would be drunk at a lot more things than just a birthday party!!! Come on...